Having hoovered up most of the itinerary for the Catlins the day before, we only had a short stop left down South for the obligatory snaps at Slope point, New Zealand’s actual southernmost point.  The touristy Bluff is as false as it’s name suggests, being many metres to the North of Slope Point.

And so, back up State Highway 1, through Invercargill, onward to Te Anau.  We arrived, shivering and chattering our way to the cold weather store, picking up possum blend gloves for Delyth and some thermal long-johns for me.  Despite spending last night layered like a pass-the-parcel filled with Babushka dolls we were feeling the biblical cold of New Zealand’s alpine winter climate.

Day two involved an afternoon visit to the Glow Worm caves and in the hour before the trip I grew jealous of Delyth’s freakishly warm gloves, so sought a pair of my own.  A lady from Swansea served us and after the usual initial chat about home and circumstances we uncovered the pros and cons of visiting either Milford or Doubtful sound, a quandary we’d been mulling over for days.  She gave a balanced view ending with a strong endorsement of the day-long trip to Doubtful Sound.  Excellent advice which we ignored to book a tour of Milford Sound.

The glow worm tour commenced.  Departing by catamaran it was a 20 minute cruise along lake Te Anau to the cave entrance for an hour or so of stumbling around in the dark cooing at glow worms, then back on the cat.  About 5 minutes under way I made my way to the rear of the boat, primarily to avoid the Americans.  I gazed back as the wake unzipped the otherwise calm and silky sheen of Lake Te Anau under the low-slung sunlight.  Crisp wind rushed about me and I braced against it amongst the deafening roar of the two engines. I silently evaluated the spot and was taken by the romance of the moment – suddenly it became so clear;

This was the place to do it, the most suited of all the trip so far.

In that rushing air, engulfed by that great sound I could think of no better place.  No better place for a gentleman to fart without fear of recrimination.  No way for anyone to hear or even gasp a hint of a whiff, a moment of astonishing, true freedom.

The glow worm caves were average with too many stupid children and stupider Americans, I was mostly looking forward to the boat trip back.